Tag: depression

Let’s Talk

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Gemma Correll has inspired me to talk about something that is a heavy topic for most people: mental health (how amazing are these images she drew up for Mental Health America?). Just this morning I had a panic attack which includes an endless cycle of “I have so much to do” and “why even bother, nothing I do is good enough.” I often have these all-or-nothing thoughts and it’s extremely difficult to break this repeating cycle. In planning my upcoming wedding, I have been overwhelmed with self-loathing thoughts: “no one will want to come” and “no one cares enough about me to be by my side,” but the truth is I do have wonderful people on my side. It may not be one-hundred, fifty, or even twenty people there to support me, but the people who are there, are the ones I WANT there. Those who love me unconditionally and understand my struggle with physical and mental illness and YET (yes, yet) still WANT to be involved in my crazy life; Those who are in my court through not only my ups, but my overwhelming lows.

I have struggled with major depressive disorder, anxiety, social phobia, and PTSD for years now and so many times I have felt ashamed, that I must hide these mental illnesses from society. [I think that] They will judge me, thinking “that girl is crazy”, “I don’t want to be around her”, or “she may snap at any moment”. The fact is: loads of people suffer with these issues of feeling inadequate at what they do. We are told not to express these emotions because we will appear weak and vulnerable, but holding on to them is what makes us weak and vulnerable in the first place!

I will honestly say that my anxiety is becoming unmanageable. I have tried so many different medications in order to feel more relaxed, but the ones that work are too sedative and/or they don’t last long enough; because of this, it is time for me to go to the next measure: a service dog. It was suggested to me in 2015 that I should obtain a dog for support (whether it be a service dog or a ESA) by my psychologist; I have always responded well to animals and grew up with a full house of five main animals (and some of them had various litters!). My pets have always gotten me through the struggles through the years: I grew up in not so favorable situations. I was abused as a child and the victim of severe bullying (this went on for over six years). I often spent my days hiding inside when I wasn’t forced (I begged to be homeschooled) to go to a school (and take the bus which was just as horrible if not worse) where I was constantly harassed. My only safe place was in the comfort of my own bedroom with my furry friends and dolls; even then I was tormented by my older brother and cyber stalked (even after I moved away from the hell of Newport, North Carolina) by the same cruel people I went to school with. These cruel girls thought it would be so “cool” for them to go to my social media platforms and save my photos so that they could go back and forth on Photobucket saying how ugly I was and that I was just a fat poser. I never understood the cruelty I received. I was brought up in a Christian household and taught to treat people like you want to be treated. I truly believe I have upheld this moral and proceeded through life with honest and compassionate intentions. I never bullied anyone, not even those who bullied me. I put my faith that God would lead me to a successful life, rich in love, which I have now obtained.

I got Mavis in March of 2016. After years of wanting a pug and a dog of my own, I finally received the gift of a lifetime in the form of this spunky, curly-tailed girl. I began training her at 3 months as a service dog, but with the stress of finishing my last semester and my first hard break-up, I took a [much too long] hiatus from the weekly training. Now that I somehow managed to graduate from Texas Tech and my heart is mended and found love, I am ready to get back on track! I want to use Service Dog Express to train Mave and get her into tip-top shape for her aiding in my life and the public access test (the test Service Dogs must pass before being deemed certified). I know anxiety will continue to play a big role in my life (although I wish it wouldn’t) and I’m tired of being afraid to go into public alone. I truly believe that I may have a shot of living a healthier life with her by my side. If you would like to get involved with our campaign, YouCaring is donating $500 to a fundraiser: It’s completely free, quick, and easy to do:

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Here is an example done by the wonderful Caleb (aka my fiancé) and my darling girl, Mave. This took five minutes to draw and take, so it’s super easy and affective. #SignedwithLove & @youcaring is all you need to include on your post! The opportunity to help will pass soon as it ends on JUNE 14TH.

or if pictures aren’t your style…

You can purchase one of the many cute clothing options available featuring “Mave Saves” on our Bonfire. The sales remain until JUNE 29TH.

Don’t want a hoodie or tee?…

The last option is to make a donation! You can do this through our Youcaring with a no end date or through our Paypal!

Here is our links: YouCaring, Bonfire, Paypal, & Facebook Page.

• • • • •

Struggling getting through the day? Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you need someone to talk to. We’re here for you, 24/7. 💚📲

Never give up ladies and gentlemen.

You are so much more than your illnesses and we need to fight together to end the stigma!

xo,

Cass & Mave

SaveSave

Self Destruction.

Cass4 Comments

I’ve been struggling lately. In addition to having added intestinal issues including intense stomach cramping, I’ve been having self doubt. I’ve always been over critical of myself. I’m extremely self conscious and constantly am telling myself how fat I am and pointing out every flaw. No matter what size I get down to, it’s not good enough. 


I still remember the girl on the left and the relentless bullying I received as a child. I try my best to act like I’m some tough girl, but I’m not. I’m not happy with the way I look still. I would undergo cosmetic surgery in a heartbeat if I had the money and that in iteslef is just sad. How does one learn self love? I always want to lose another ten pounds and gaining any weight is absolutely discouraging; a pound gain is like I’m killing myself. It makes me disgusted. It makes me feel like I’m undoing everything I worked so hard to lose and maintain. I’m hating myself and I don’t know what I can do to break this or to reverse the damage I do to my own self.

-Cass

pain.

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I have a hard time explaining to people that I will not get better. This is only going to get progressively worse, if anything, and I am in pain everyday. Most of the students I go to school with only worry about making it to Friday, so they can party on the weekend. They complain about having to study, while here I am not sure if I am going to make it through class because the pain is too bad. I write this from my couch, heat pad on high on my back, neck brace on with my Real Time Pain Relief MAXX ointment lathered on my neck and back praying that this pain will pass quickly. I am on methocarbamol, a muscle relaxer, and am trying my best to only take one tramadol a day. I have lidocaine patches that I wear 12 hours on (although they don’t ever stay on that long!), 12 hours off on my lower back. I take tylenol and advil daily in addition to these other medications to try to alleviate anything. The pain is the worse thing having to deal with, but I also have weekly allergic reactions. Last Wednesday I had a horrible reaction that left me wheezing, covered in red splotches, and horrible gastrointestinal discomfort. I try my best to push forward and to see the best, which I have so much to be thankful for, but sometimes it’s hard to stay focused. I also suffer with depression and anxiety. The brain’s way of processing pain is similar to depression, so it definitely can have an impact on my mental health. I have had to take a year off in total from college to deal with this and it’s something I’ll have to fight everyday for the rest of my life. I am so incredibly blessed to have a partner willing to stick it out with me and be not only my best friend and husband, but my caretaker too for days that I can’t get by or nights that I come home with tears.

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I want to create a safe place for people suffering, not only with chronic illnesses, but with mental health as well. We are in this together. Please feel free to comment if you need help or want to discuss your challenges.

Xo,

Cass

One Hundred Pounds

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I wanted to talk a little about my weight loss journey because I have yet to share my success with you all, given my illness set backs. I have battled with my weight most of my life. I was severely bullied as a child when I moved from Cuba to North Carolina. I had no self confidence and I endured something as a child that I, nor any child or anyone, should ever had to. At that time, I was a bit overweight, but with the cruelty inflicted on me from my classmates, I turned to food to comfort my aching heart. By the time I was sixteen I was about 215 pounds, obese for my 5’2″ petite frame, which caused multiple dislocations of my kneecaps and hips. I have suffered with anxiety and depression from my trauma as a child to the point that suicide seemed like a good option. I was constantly dieting and had poor self image for years and years. I moved to Texas when I was fifteen years old and decided after a year living here, that I would start taking things in to consideration especially since I was so entirely unhappy and basically slept in my spare time.

With the help of my dad I found a weight loss and nutrition camp that I committed to. I lost about thirty pounds in 8 weeks and learned the in and outs about good and bad calories, fats, and what-nots. The next year I gained about ten pounds back, but did relatively well compared to others. I had a little bout of eating disorder tendencies the next year or so, which was hard for me because I was so focused on wanting to be thin. I decided to do a second summer at camp, spending twelve weeks focusing on nutrition, running, working out, and mentoring younger kids with weight issues. I lost forty more pounds that summer with a total weight loss of sixty pounds. Learning this information set me up for future success. I went back to my last year of high school and was even on the cross country team, but I fell back into my ways and my weight rocketed to 230 after my sophomore year of college. I felt like an utter failure after so many people looked at me as a type of success. I hit rock bottom and was ready to give up on life all together after several family issues hit all at once. December 2012, I was done. I sat in the bathtub with a box cutter to my wrist crying because I didn’t have the guts to do it, but wanted to badly to leave the world I was in. I prayed harder than I ever did before that God would guide me. That I would find someone to love me, that I would love myself, and that I could gain my health back. I didn’t have any motivation left, I was ready to just call it and say screw this shitty hand I have been dealt with. I had been on different anti-depressants since the age of sixteen and I was considering electroshock therapy after none of them worked longtime. That May (2013), I had weight loss surgery. It’s something I haven’t opened about at all because I am so shamed from it (having lost weight naturally before and trying to hide my gain back), but it saved my life. With the nutrition I learned previously and this much needed push to get me back on my feet again, I lost 100 pounds to the current weight I am now. I began enjoying life again and exercising often. I pushed myself to be the best I could and until I started getting sick in Fall of 2014, I was doing great.

As most of my followers know, I began having fainting spells and heart issues starting September 2014. I had chronic diarrhea for over a month and my heart had to be defibrillated because I went into atrial fibrillation. I was physically ill for months. I dated a man for almost two years and felt emotionally empty. I started becoming depressed and began having emotional problems again. I didn’t  gain weight, but I was, again, in a pit. I often skipped meals or when I did eat, chose the unhealthiest options. The guy I was with did not support my illness, despite putting on a good front. He did not motivate me. Despite not being able to drive and him not having a job, we constantly fought because he didn’t want to be burdened with driving me to class because his video games took priority. His ex used this against me with my once “friend” who told her all of this and therefore was told I’m handicap and can’t do things for myself. My ex never complimented me because “I should know that I’m pretty already.” He scared me after I had a bad reaction with ambien right after my brain surgery where he broke numerous things in our room forcing me to call my mom to save me. He had bad rage issues and I felt I was walking on eggshells every time I was around him. I never felt good enough. I was second choice to his games. I got tired of the pain and I wasn’t strong enough to break away, but luckily I called a break and he ended it because my strength was not there and I would’ve fell back into unhealthy ways. I moved in with my mom when I met the love of my life soon after. Recalling how I felt back in June/July to now, it was the best possible thing that could’ve happened. I think of how much I have been through and what I continue to fight and think that my past thought me what I deserve and how to stand up for myself.

I am currently maintaining my weight for over a year now and am off my antidepressants all together. I am genuinely happy and although sometimes my chronic illness can make me feel like it’s too much sometimes, I think of what I came from and what I have ahead of me. I am now happily at 130 pounds and am making healthy changes to help improve my lifestyle. I am doing a plank challenge currently which is a 28-day tummy toning commitment. I have turned in the diet cokes for diet green tea and am trying to watch what I eat, but still indulging in my Taco Bell/ Taco Casa addiction every once in awhile. Now that I am moving to Ft. Hood with my fiancé, we plan on working out and shaping up for our wedding next year. Caleb pushes me to be the best I can and I know he loves me regardless of what I am or what I become. I’m not used to someone constantly telling me I’m beautiful and that they love me all day. It’s something every woman and man deserves, so if it isn’t in your life now, find it. I usually eat small meals because I get full very easily and I have been a vegetarian for over 11 years. I started eating shell fish about a year ago in attempts to see if a lack of protein caused me to be sick. I only rarely eat crab and shrimp and everything else is meat free. My goals is to get my pain under control so I can start back on my exercise regimen. I love hiking and really want to be able to get back into my hobby. I’m ready to kick it into gear for my wedding! I’d like to tone up and lose at least ten pounds. My fiancé is looking to lose around thirty pounds and is doing a fantastic job. We move in next week and start our next chapter so I will be posting progress and plans!

 

Love to all and push forward.
Xo,
Cass

Originality

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Some of my past readers may have noticed that I “revamped” my blog and change a few thing around, but that doesn’t change the fact that this my personal blog and I use it to talk about my struggles with severe depression and anxiety, my Chiari Malformation diagnosis. I think most people are terrified that they are alone and so if this can give my readers a sense of unification or understanding, then my job is done.

So many things have occurred since I last chimed in. First of all, I have a “new” position at the same job as a dog bather. I basically wash and deshed (which is a number of hair removing techniques),  brush teeth, clean ears, brush out, remove mats, and give pawdicures to lovely (mostly, although some are plain assholes) little and HUGE doggies. I like this position better because I don’t have to put as much stress on my neck and back as I did as a playroom attendant. I also feel like my job does have purpose. I got to make an adoptee Dalmatian mix all pretty in hopes of getting adopted and a freshly adopted Chow mix a deshed and brush after being severely neglected. My shift hours are also amazing for my chronic pain. I work 10 am – 3:30/4pm, which gives me enough time to sleep in and prepare myself for the shift and also allows me to have time to relax and unwind when I get home. I usually come home and lay on my heat pad for a couple hours. I work Monday-Friday, which is great, as well, because I get the weekend off to spend with my mom, but also having a schedule is good for my depression and anxiety.

I have slacked off a bit in Mav’s training, but we have come LEAPS and BOUNDS since my last post. I had a severe major depression episode and was completely upset after having some really hard personal news hit. I was shaking and wishing that I was not here. I finally let Mavis out and she immediately came over and laid on my upper arm by my face and just stayed still. I didn’t teach this to her at all, but she knew that her mom needed her help. She did so amazing and I felt like all my training had been justified. I also took her with me to a psychologist appointment and she did wonderful! She remembered her blanket commands and sat on her blanket and ignored the door opening! She had little slip ups in the hour long appointment: barking at a plant, falling asleep, and being a little restless. She tooted and snored in the room and my therapist couldn’t help but laugh.

I’ve been trying to cope recently with my chronic pain and anxiety. Today was very difficult in terms of pain. The back of my head had a weird pressure feeling right where my cerebral tonsils are (where my surgical incision is). I also had bad neck and back pain and weird muscle cramping. I thought about asking to go home early, but stuck it out. I got home and used my heat pad for about two hours straight. Tomorrow I am heading to Lubbock for my cousin’s wedding and will be taking my best little pug with me. She won’t be going to the actual wedding because she isn’t that ready to be in public. I get very anxious around event like these. A lot of people make me extremely anxious and then also being judged around family is a worrisome of mine. Hopefully all goes well.

Thanks for staying with us!

xo,

Cass & Mav

Mavi’s Must-Haves

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Mavi's Must-Haves

 

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When first deciding to get a puppy, it can be quite difficult to determine what he or she needs and what will make life easier for the both of you. I made a list of items that I ended up purchasing for Mavis and will reveal what has and hasn’t worked.
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Crates and Beds
Puppies are so full of energy and deciding where they are going to sleep and be during most of the day needs a lot of analyzing. For Mav, I bought a small pink crate for the purposes of a comfy sleeping place and for potty crate training. Most people discipline their puppy with crated time outs, but it’s important that the puppy associates the crate with more than just a form of punishment. We want puppy to recognize that the crate is a safe place that they can go to relax. That’s why I put it in a comfortable space next to my bed (being in a familiar area, not secluded is key). Mav doesn’t get nearly as upset when she can see her momma and knows I’m close by. When choosing the size of the crate, of course, you want to accomodate the puppy’s growing size, but you also need to consider if the crate is going to be where you leave the puppy when you are not home. If it is, then the crate should be placed in a gated off tile-floored area, especially if you are gone for several hours. This way, your little one can potty, get water/food, and play while you are out of the house. Upon brining Mavis home, I used the round faux-shearling cup bed to transport her and she loved it!  She still uses her bed to relax in, although I keep an eye on her when she is using this one because Mav loves to dig and chew on her bed.
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Toys and Activities
On to the TOYS. Mavi’s favorite subject. I bought her a variety of different toys, although I already had a few from our other dog, Eli and cat, Oliver. Mavis loves her small Kong stuffies! Elmer the Elephant and Ali the Alligator are often her go to durable babies. Her all time favorite toys are her pink Nylabone that I keep in her carseat and her mini Ewok toy (they seem to be out of the Ewok cat toy edition, but here is the Chewbacca version)! I purchase the cat toys because they are more suited for her size, but avoid cat nip and feathers! The Kong rope toy and Nylabone teething ring do not seem to keep her interest for long, so I wouldn’t have purchased these had I known that beforehand, but every dog is different and your baby might love them. The teething ring is also really hard! I thought it would have been somewhat soft and rubbery, but it’s just hard plastic, another reason why I don’t think she is fond of it.  I love hiding Ziggies (although after the second bag, I moved to cheaper alternatives) and other treats into her Kong and she loves trying to get them out! This will keep your pup busy for a while, which is always appreciated and it challenges your pup with the promise of a tasty reward. Mav also loves playing with a little stuffed pug my boyfriend got for me when we first started dating and tennis balls! My mom recently gifted a cat tunnel that splits into three ways and both Mavis and Oliver are big fans!
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Potty Training
For housebreaking I wanted to get a pad holder basically so it would be easier for her to identify where she should go potty, but furthermore so she refrains from shredding or flipping her pads over. Sometimes this works and sometimes she loves to chew at the snap hands until it unsnaps and she get to the pad (to shred). She is a master at shredding pads. Make sure to make notice what size the pad holder is, so you can correspond with the right size potty pads. I fold the edges of my potty pads up to tuck the ends in. I always keep some Nature’s Miracle Urine Destroyer for carpet mistakes. I learned the hard way the using pee pads isn’t a great idea for puppy to potty train because towel, rugs, and carpets feel too similar and Mav got confused. I do not punish her for going in the wrong spot, but now just immediately pick her up if she is going or about to go and walk her outside. Your puppy shouldn’t associate going to the bathroom with you yelling at them, otherwise they may hide from you and then go (making sneaky hidden messes). Also, rubbing their noses in their accidents is also discouraged because puppies have such a short memory span and are so young that they do not associate why you are punishing them and will become fearful.  I bought a pooper scooper with the fear that she, like most puppies, would want to eat her and Eli’s poop, but luckily I was blessed with just a sniffer (the sniff to see if this is mine and run). I think it is something good to have on hand if you like to have backyard get-togethers in order to clean the area beforehand. Poop should be immediately picked up if the little one is indulging in this mysterious and nasty habit. It is really important to discourage puppy from this behavior as it can spread parasites and illnesses. I eventually want to try to use the tinkle bells to help teach Mav to ring the bell when she needs to go outside, but we have yet to cross that bridge with all that is going on.
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Health
Keeping Mavis healthy is one of my main priorities and having worked at a vet clinic for over two years, I know quite a lot about different products. First off, deciding on a food for puppy can be challenging when there are so many options and all the brands claim they are the best. The veterinarians I have worked for have only backed the brands Hill’s Science Diet, Royal Canin, and IAMS for puppies as their formulas are overall the best on the market and provide the perfect nutritional balance. For Mavi, I went with Hill’s Science Diet Small & Toy Breed Puppy food. It is so important to get puppy food for a puppy (versus Adult food, etc.) to meet their special nutritional needs. Feed BY the bag and not by what you think is enough to prevent over or under feeding. Avoid self feeders, as many dogs gorge themselves, leading to obesity. This also doesn’t provide a well set schedule for puppy.
I also recommend getting puppy grooming supplies. Puppies and dogs have different pH levels than humans, so buying them shampoo specified by their species is important. I decided to go with Burt’s Bees Puppy Shampoo because their cruelty free and I, myself, use Burt’s Bees for some of my grooming needs. I also purchased a dremel to keep Mav’s nails smooth. Puppies have super sharp nails usually, so the dremel can really help if you know how to use it. If you don’t know how, I recommend either youtube or asking your groomer/veterinarian if they could show you. Having a basic ear cleaner on hand is also recommended to keep puppy’s ears clean and free of debris. I clean Mavi’s ears twice a month to prevent the dreaded stinky ear infections and buildup. I recommend only using cotton balls, as Q-tips can potentially be shoved deep in the ear canal and can hurt the puppy’s ears.
Dental care is one of the most common issues that pet owners forget about, but it is so important if you want a long life for your best friend. If dental care is neglected, eventually your pal can and will get periodontal disease which can spread through the bloodstream and cause a number of serious health issues! I wanted to get Mav prepared early, although puppy’s teeth are usually in great condition and don’t need much help until they are 1.5-2 years old. I bough a toothbrush to help aid in getting Mav used to the teeth brushing habit. Ideally brushing your pet’s teeth three times a week is preferred (seems like too much, but it can save a lot of money in the end and it is good for your pup!) Dental chews are also highly recommended. I buy some veterinary recommended chews with enzymes added to help breakdown plaque.
Pugs and other flat faced breeds have short snouts and their noses can become very dry (as they are “smushed” in), therefore nose butter is a good idea to use weekly. The Blissful Dog has nose butter specially made for pugs in various sizes to cure the chapped blues. I also clean Mav’s face wrinkles with unscented baby wipes to avoid any hidden debris or dirt from building up and causing infections.
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Training Necessities
Since Mav is training to be a service dog, I have a vest for her that reads Service Dog In Training and has her name embroidered on it, a leash cover that is used to warn off strangers from distracting Mav from her duties, and an awesome patch to educate the ignorant. To aid in training I use a Rapid Rewards training pouch to have quick and easy access to rewards for a job well done. Along with the pouch, tasty treats are also recommended (sparingly) alongside their regular kibble. I found these treats that are moist and one of my little one’s favorites. I also purchased these, but they were too large to use as rapid rewards, so I had to cut them in half beforehand. They also are rather hard and difficult for Mav to chew. Because Mavis goes with me to so many different places via car ride, I wanted to maximize her safety. In some countries it is illegal to have an animal that is unsecured in the car! I bought her, her very own booster car seat that allows me to clip her in by the harness (sold separately) into a little seat/basket which attaches to the car’s seat. It also come with little pockets in the front that I keep toys in that keep her occupied (so that she won’t chew on the safety belt). I feel safer knowing that Mav won’t go flying through the windshield should there ever be an accident. You might think this is a little excessive, but I saw a case last year that made me more aware of pet safety: a pet mom and her furry friend were in a serious car accident. The pup broke his neck and had to be euthanized after suffering for over twenty-four hours (the neighbor had taken him to the emergency vet on the night of the car accident, who didn’t notice the broken neck. The next day the neighbor brought him into the clinic I was working in with complaints that something was not right with him and he was not walking, eating, or drinking). I also bought and extra seatbelt for when I am traveling in someone else’s car. This allows her to be safely buckled in without a special seat for her to sit in.
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Identification
Last but not least, the basic necessities: collars, leashes, and tags. I originally purchase this collar as it was cheap and durable, but Mav was so tiny, that I had to get a temporary kitten collar for her to use until last week. I already had an extra leash from Petsmart, so there was no need to get a new one. Finally because I have such high anxiety about social situations, I ordered my tags online along with a super cute strawberry bell. All my items I purchased online through Amazon (choose smile.amazon.com to donate a percentage to your chosen charity. I chose People Hope), with the exception of a few items I bought at Walmart and Petco.
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I hope that this will help make puppy decisions easier. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to ask!
xo,
Cass & Mavis
Dividers made by Laura Hunt

Training with Mavis

Cass3 Comments

Week 2

This week my little Mavis will be 14 weeks and will have been living with us for 8 weeks! She’s been in training for 2 weeks using Training Your Own Service Dog by  Lelah Sullivan and AKA Shana Cohen. For those who don’t know, Mave is my service dog in training and she is doing incredibly well for her age. After we complete Sullivan’s and Cohen’s book, we will be using a training manual from Service Dog Express. Hopefully once both guides are finished, Mave will be in tip top shape. If not, I have local training organizations willing to help out with basic obedience training. Service Dog Express can also provide further training and instruction via webcam. SDE (located in San Antonio) can evaluate Mavis with a final walk through, after her training, to see if she is ready for the Public Access Test and become a Service Dog! I wanted to start a series of posts dedicated to my tiny terror’s (oh the wonderful puppy stages!) training progress. I’m hoping to help others in their journey to training a service dog of their own and how to go about getting started and what options they can choose.

Out and About working on Mav’s focus
At the Library. Exposing her to different places for commands.
Here’s Mav focusing for her reward.

First of all, I am not a liscensed trainer, but I consider myself a dog expert. I have lived with multiple dogs my entire life, worked in the veterinary field for about two years, and continue to work as a dog behavior analyst as a doggy daycare attendant (which is much more hands on then you’d think). Anyways, I know quite a bit about dog behavior and health which has set me up with the perfect platform to training my dog. I have looked into the alternatives of having a service dog pre-trained and ready, but the cons (for me personally) outweighed the pros. First of all the wait is up to a year or more to be matched with a service dog. Furthermore, the price of a trained service dog is anywhere from $1,200-2,000 and upwards. Another reason I didn’t choose this option is because you really have to be hands on when training a psychiatric service dog because they need to get you and your moods. Your ups, your downs, your triggers. This, in itself, takes persistence, time, and a close bond.

We started the intensive training on April 14th, 2016 and have learned Focus (keeping her eyes on me all the time), Touch (hoping that she’ll use this to alert), and are now working on Blanket (having her lie down on a blanket) commands. Technically it was recommended that the Service Dog Express manual begin at 6 months of age, but we are getting a jump start with Sullivan’s and Cohen’s training guide to prepare us.

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Locations We Have ‘Worked’ At:

Different locations will allow you to bring a service dog in training (SDiT) into their locations if you ask, but it is your liability should anything happen (potty accidents, etc.). On request if someone asked me to leave a location, I would gladly do so because it is their right, since Mave is not a service dog (yet). These locations I we visited had no problem with me bringing in Mavis, but I only worked on training commands in outer locations since she is so tiny and not completely potty trained yet. Documentation is important! So lots of photos, videos, and a log should be written down, in the case your service dog is questioned or legal action is brought against you.

As we perfect our commands and learn new ones, we hope you will follow our journey.

Xo,

Cass & Mavis

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Chronic Pain Confessions

CassLeave a comment

If you haven’t visited Amanda’s blog: Everything Hurts, you definitely should. Her latest post has to do with her confessions dealing with chronic pain. I decided to follow suit using her amazing crafted and perfect icons to lead the way.

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I have struggled most of my life with emotional pain, but I didn’t have to deal with constant physical pain until I began showing symptoms of Chiari. I try my absolute best to pretend I’m completely healthy and put together, but I am fighting every day. Today I had severe back pain. I was at work doing my best to make sure it wasn’t noticible that I was in pain. I kept counting down the hours until I got off. Every time I bent down (when working with dogs, that is very often) I felt a jolt down my back. When standing, I felt a constant almost “buzzing” pain that feels like when you sit on your foot too long and it falls asleep, but you continue trying to walk on it mixed with a Charlie horse cramp. I finally closed the playroom down and put all the dogs in their crates for nap time. I looked at the clock, so eager to head out, but I had an hour left. I was assigned to take the grooming dogs out to potty. Every time I made it outside, I leaned against the wall crouched down with deep breathing (like a pregnant lady in labor), while the pups did their business.

I hide my pain. I don’t like telling my parents because I’m afraid they’ll discredit it. They have supported me through everything, but they also think that this surgery is an instant cure all solution and I am afraid to disappoint them.

I’m tired of saying I don’t feel well or my neck is killing me and then having to hear the “maybe it’s the insert some common bug/virus” or “muscle strains suck.”

I’m tired of feeling depressed. I try my best to do the right thing for my mental health, but I get anxious about how others perceive me. Do they think I look fat? Do they think I’m dressed sloppily? Do I look happy?  I have a chemical imbalance and no medication I have taken has made things bearable for a continued period. Getting more exercise, eating gluten free, or trying said homeopathic solution isn’t going to work for me (that’s not to say it won’t work for others).

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I have a very physical job. I am constantly moving. I feel like it is enough for me, but I want to do more. I want to be that fit BBG girl that looks super cute and they love to work out (or make it look like that) and that it’s super easy. Or that cool yoga chick that has trendy workout gear they actually work out and not just to lounge in.

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I’ve had five surgeries since birth, but all my scars are hidden and people can’t see the pain I have had to endure. Every single day is different. Some days I miraculously don’t have any physical pain. Then there are days which I call “spoon days,” like today, where I wake up in pain. My back jolts, my neck aches, my muscles hurt, and no I didn’t exercise the day before. Most days are in between these two. I’m excited to have Mavis trained as a service dog, but am nervous about how people will perceive me. Will they think I am a sham trying to pass off a cute pooch as a service dog just so I can take her into places? (Hello anxiety, dear old demon).

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I always have used food as a coping mechanism, which is why I was so overweight (obese, actually) as a child and in my teens. It will most likely always be a love/hate relationship because now I have IBS (although not confirmed and I don’t think it is, I think it’s just MCAD) and MCAD to deal with, which makes foods scary for me. Foods that I have never had a reaction too, suddenly make my mast cells react for no reason. I can eat that same food and have nothing wrong the next time. I have “plumbing” issues and often get sick from eating different foods. Yet, I have my junk food weaknesses, like most people do. (SourPunch Straws and Sonic are my guilty pleasures) Why do I feel Diet Coke is a necessity (I cannot have high sugar amounts because I get deathly ill, no I don’t know why, but 30g of sugar is my limit, so Diet is the only soda I can have, yes I know the “real” soda might as well be better, but soda is bad regardless, and here I go again, thinking too much of what other people think about my habits)?

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This post wasn’t an easy one to write, but I’m glad I did. Working towards self love and a happy or manageable lifestyle.

If anybody who reads this has good tips on managing anxiety, let me know. I’m willing to try anything: like blogging for example, getting my thoughts out via the world wide web. Only a handful of people will most likely read this and I’m good with that.

xo,

Cass

(image and icons from Amanda Vinci, everythinghurts.me)

New Leaf.

CassLeave a comment

Turning over a new leaf is always a difficult task, but one that I have been faced with. After completing almost three months of school, I was devastated to realize I had to withdraw from my classes. Not only was I suffering with severe anxiety (that has gotten worse since my operation) and depression, but my memory is getting even worse. I am having problems recalling times, dates, and with my school work: even the most basic of terms, which has caused a great decline in my grades. After talking to my doctor, he determined I should withdraw because I was basically over doing it and could potentially threaten my recovery. I have now been out of school for a little over a week. While it is comforting, knowing that I don’t have to stress over assignments and tests, although I am still enrolled in my last Spanish class, I am disappointed that I couldn’t keep up with the semester and that I won’t be graduating this year. I have to take back control of my health, so a neuropathologist is in order to get my cognitive function tested. I’m not sure what results will show, but maybe going through some therapy (such as speech therapy, etc.) will aid me in recovering some of prior abilities. In addition to dealing with my “brain issues,” I have to test out several medications in order to help me with my a&d. I have tried so many different ones, that I’m becoming a bit exhausted and hopeless that I will ever find something that works.Screen Shot 2016-01-06 at 9.41.35 PMI have to report some ups amongst my many downs. First and foremost, I have a new addition in my life: Mavis. Mavis (pronounce Mahv-is, not Mae-vis) Odessa is my twelve-week-old Puglet, who is the light of my life. My parents and my boyfriend all went in to gift me my tiny biff for my 23rd birthday. From about the age of six-years-old, I have obsessed over the idea of having a pug. My parents were always against it, so it never became, until now. We first met her on February 6th and then picked her up on March 6th. I am currently training little Mav to be my service dog with the help of Lelah Sullivan’s book and hopefully Service Dog Express (whom I’ve contacted and will hear back within two weeks). She is so full of joy and energy and today she completed her first day of intensive training and did wonderfully. I took her in public and tested her ability to hold her attention on me. This being her first time, cars, birds, and little noises distracted her, but she soon got the hang of keeping focused on me with some great reinforcing clicker training. She’s my little companion and I can’t wait to see what a difference she will make in my life, once she is trained. Another little joyous moment came with a new job. I now work at a doggy daycare center and have enjoyed it thus far, but have decided it is too physical for me to sustain. I didn’t realize the full extent this operation would take on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I over did it. I can’t keep up with everybody else, which is hard for me to accept. My memory and my strength (physically and emotionally) has degraded. The frustration that comes with this is unbelievable. I know that I am not alone, but yet I feel it most days in terms of my mental/emotional/physical status. I can’t guess when I have flare days, yet I have to push through them with excruciating pain in my neck and back and brain fog that won’t shake, no matter how hard I focus on concentrating. My ability to stay focused has diminished and I am beyond irritated at myself, although I know it is out of my control, that I cannot control it. I have found some support through Chiari Life on facebook that has helped me feel more united, but I still am struggling.

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One last thing! I wanted to expand my blog into my other passions: as you might’ve noticed from my last post. I am trying to start loving myself more and more and appreciating the things that I am good at and enjoy. I love fashion, but I hardly have been able to be fashionable because of my condition. Most days I have felt exhausted and not up to dressing up, so now that things are getting better, I want to share my passion as well as my training updates with Mavis, and other bits and pieces of my odd little life. I hope that whoever follows my blog, will continue to, and whoever doesn’t will be drawn to a new diversity.

Much Love,

Cass & Mavis

follow Mav on instagram (@mavisodessa) for updates on growing up.

(images are created/taken by me. Please do not repost without permission)

Lost.

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I finally have almost reached the end of my fall semester and I won’t lie, this was the hardest semester yet. To be suffering in nonstop pain and constantly worrying about my afflictions has made it most difficult to concentrate on my school work, but I have tried my best given the circumstances. I am in the last leg of the marathon and I’m dying to finish. I have to finish up three more lab reports, study for three chemistry tests (last chapter, make up test, and final), an ecology final, a microbiology final, write a five page paper on my identified microorganism from my unknown experiment, make some sort of demonstration to present said organism, take my anatomy and physiology final, and finish up my post fitness class exam: all this in the span of a ten days. I really am not sure quite how these next days will go, but I am asking for leniency and for support.

12292647_816254541824841_1235431058_nI made my way down to Houston, again, yesterday to be cleared by the cardiologist for surgery. Since I had atrial fibrillation last year, my neurosurgeon wants to definitely make sure my heart is ready for surgery. I had an echocardiogram and an EKG done while I was there and consulted with Dr. Stephen. Once he reviews the images from the echo he will clear me for surgery, but he made it evident that he would like me to follow up with the cardiologist in Waco and have more studies done. He told me that it was very unusual for a twenty-one year old to have had atrial fibrillation. When I was sixteen I went to the emergency room for tachycardia with no cause. I have had other episodes of tachycardia, especially when I am going through a MCAD (mast cell activation disorder) spell and at other random times. My EKG looked normal and I will get the results from my echo next week. The technician that was conducting my echocardiogram asked me “You don’t happen to have Arnold-Chiari Malformation Type I, do you?” I told her that I did and she began to tell me about her struggle with her low-lying cerebellar tonsils and all the pain she has endured over the past eight years. She had visited several doctors who have not been able to help, but just kept giving her the same nonsense of muscle spasms, psychological issues, etc. The story was identical to mine, but I couldn’t possible imagine dealing with this for eight years. She told me that her niece, also named Cassandra coincidentally, had just been diagnosed with the malformation and already had a surgery schedule with minimal symptoms. She said that it was meant to be that we met and that I gave her hope that she could get help. I told her how awesome Dr. Parrish had been in helping me and that I think he would be able to help her too. We went back and forth talking about our symptoms and how it has affected our lives. I, of course, felt like a total rookie only having had really suffering for six months. Thinking back to my childhood and growing up I am starting to think that some things are adding up. I have theories, but would love to consult with a geneticist about EDS and POTS. I feel like people who have these disorders have to be committed to finding help and not giving up because it would have been so easy to. My father and I took it upon ourselves to research surgeons, symptoms, and this disorder. I couldn’t have done it without everybody’s support. I am so grateful for my family, friends, and supporters.

ScanIn addition to all of the school and health stress, I got some horrible news on Monday night. My beautiful grandmother passed away on November 23th, 2015. Dolores Mae Furin Head (January 14, 1937 – November 23, 2014) was a wonderful mother to my Uncle David, Aunt Cindy, and my dad Dale. She was 78 years old and one of my biggest supporters. I remember my grandma as a sweet, thoughtful, lovable lady; She was most opinionated and not afraid to tell you what she thought. She worked so hard to give my dad, uncle, and aunt a good life, doubling up on jobs (waitress as Luigi’s and retail salesperson at Kmart) to make sure there was always enough. Although she divorced my grandpa, she still took care of him until he past away in 2008. She had remarried a few times and was a stepmother to two other children and was just as loving and sweet towards them as her own. Some of my favorite memories include visiting Hawaii together with my immediate family and visiting her house for Thanksgiving. My grandmother was such a great cook and so crafty. She loved to sew and collect Shirley Temple dolls, which she passed down to me. My grandma was lively person and her smile was contagious. I am beyond lucky to have had her in my life. She loved wine! I, personally, am not a big fan of drinking, too much, but my grandmother made sure my glass was always full even if I didn’t want it. It made me laugh because I would try to get my dad to drink it before she discovered I wasn’t drinking much. My grandma visited us in Waco and we played balderdash together with the family. My grandma kept sticking her little discarded answers in my mom’s hair, little did she know my dad was doing the same exact thing to her. Both my mother and she laughed so hard thinking that only the other one had paper in their hair! The rest of us all died laughing when they both realized their hair served as a trash bin and they, too, both cracked up. My grandma loved to entertain and host and she was an expert at it. She always put her family first and made the six hour plus trip to Waco to see me cross the stage as I graduated from high school. She loved antiques so much and had the cutest little setup of vintage items. She even managed her own store, The Cedar Chest, and worked at an antique mall. She fought against peritoneal cancer for over four years and continued to work and care for others the entire time until up to the last two months or so. She was more concerned about me, than herself, when I visited saying she was so sorry for the pain I had to endure, when I felt the same way towards her. Although I am sad that I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as my other cousins who live and grew up close by, I made sure that she knew that I loved her so very much and I know she loved me back. I grew closer with my family through this path. As hard as it is to know my grandma is no longer here, I know she is looking down from heaven and laughing and catching up with my cousin, Austin. I can see her looking in amazement at Austin’s tall stature and how handsome he looks. She would probably comment on how skinny he had gotten and start cooking right away! My sweet grandma, you have fought so hard and held on in order to say goodbye to everyone in the family, and now you are free; free from the constant pain and worry. You are finally at peace in heaven with God and your grandson and I know that you are relieved not to suffer any longer. I know that you will be with me every step of the way and watching me during my struggles ahead. I love you Granny Dee and I’m saddened you won’t be able to meet my children, but I will raise them in your image. You’re bright blue eyes, dimples, and smile are forever engraved in my head and your sweet spirit lives in my heart.

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8