One Hundred Pounds

I wanted to talk a little about my weight loss journey because I have yet to share my success with you all, given my illness set backs. I have battled with my weight most of my life. I was severely bullied as a child when I moved from Cuba to North Carolina. I had no self confidence and I endured something as a child that I, nor any child or anyone, should ever had to. At that time, I was a bit overweight, but with the cruelty inflicted on me from my classmates, I turned to food to comfort my aching heart. By the time I was sixteen I was about 215 pounds, obese for my 5’2″ petite frame, which caused multiple dislocations of my kneecaps and hips. I have suffered with anxiety and depression from my trauma as a child to the point that suicide seemed like a good option. I was constantly dieting and had poor self image for years and years. I moved to Texas when I was fifteen years old and decided after a year living here, that I would start taking things in to consideration especially since I was so entirely unhappy and basically slept in my spare time.

With the help of my dad I found a weight loss and nutrition camp that I committed to. I lost about thirty pounds in 8 weeks and learned the in and outs about good and bad calories, fats, and what-nots. The next year I gained about ten pounds back, but did relatively well compared to others. I had a little bout of eating disorder tendencies the next year or so, which was hard for me because I was so focused on wanting to be thin. I decided to do a second summer at camp, spending twelve weeks focusing on nutrition, running, working out, and mentoring younger kids with weight issues. I lost forty more pounds that summer with a total weight loss of sixty pounds. Learning this information set me up for future success. I went back to my last year of high school and was even on the cross country team, but I fell back into my ways and my weight rocketed to 230 after my sophomore year of college. I felt like an utter failure after so many people looked at me as a type of success. I hit rock bottom and was ready to give up on life all together after several family issues hit all at once. December 2012, I was done. I sat in the bathtub with a box cutter to my wrist crying because I didn’t have the guts to do it, but wanted to badly to leave the world I was in. I prayed harder than I ever did before that God would guide me. That I would find someone to love me, that I would love myself, and that I could gain my health back. I didn’t have any motivation left, I was ready to just call it and say screw this shitty hand I have been dealt with. I had been on different anti-depressants since the age of sixteen and I was considering electroshock therapy after none of them worked longtime. That May (2013), I had weight loss surgery. It’s something I haven’t opened about at all because I am so shamed from it (having lost weight naturally before and trying to hide my gain back), but it saved my life. With the nutrition I learned previously and this much needed push to get me back on my feet again, I lost 100 pounds to the current weight I am now. I began enjoying life again and exercising often. I pushed myself to be the best I could and until I started getting sick in Fall of 2014, I was doing great.

As most of my followers know, I began having fainting spells and heart issues starting September 2014. I had chronic diarrhea for over a month and my heart had to be defibrillated because I went into atrial fibrillation. I was physically ill for months. I dated a man for almost two years and felt emotionally empty. I started becoming depressed and began having emotional problems again. I didn’t  gain weight, but I was, again, in a pit. I often skipped meals or when I did eat, chose the unhealthiest options. The guy I was with did not support my illness, despite putting on a good front. He did not motivate me. Despite not being able to drive and him not having a job, we constantly fought because he didn’t want to be burdened with driving me to class because his video games took priority. His ex used this against me with my once “friend” who told her all of this and therefore was told I’m handicap and can’t do things for myself. My ex never complimented me because “I should know that I’m pretty already.” He scared me after I had a bad reaction with ambien right after my brain surgery where he broke numerous things in our room forcing me to call my mom to save me. He had bad rage issues and I felt I was walking on eggshells every time I was around him. I never felt good enough. I was second choice to his games. I got tired of the pain and I wasn’t strong enough to break away, but luckily I called a break and he ended it because my strength was not there and I would’ve fell back into unhealthy ways. I moved in with my mom when I met the love of my life soon after. Recalling how I felt back in June/July to now, it was the best possible thing that could’ve happened. I think of how much I have been through and what I continue to fight and think that my past thought me what I deserve and how to stand up for myself.

I am currently maintaining my weight for over a year now and am off my antidepressants all together. I am genuinely happy and although sometimes my chronic illness can make me feel like it’s too much sometimes, I think of what I came from and what I have ahead of me. I am now happily at 130 pounds and am making healthy changes to help improve my lifestyle. I am doing a plank challenge currently which is a 28-day tummy toning commitment. I have turned in the diet cokes for diet green tea and am trying to watch what I eat, but still indulging in my Taco Bell/ Taco Casa addiction every once in awhile. Now that I am moving to Ft. Hood with my fiancé, we plan on working out and shaping up for our wedding next year. Caleb pushes me to be the best I can and I know he loves me regardless of what I am or what I become. I’m not used to someone constantly telling me I’m beautiful and that they love me all day. It’s something every woman and man deserves, so if it isn’t in your life now, find it. I usually eat small meals because I get full very easily and I have been a vegetarian for over 11 years. I started eating shell fish about a year ago in attempts to see if a lack of protein caused me to be sick. I only rarely eat crab and shrimp and everything else is meat free. My goals is to get my pain under control so I can start back on my exercise regimen. I love hiking and really want to be able to get back into my hobby. I’m ready to kick it into gear for my wedding! I’d like to tone up and lose at least ten pounds. My fiancé is looking to lose around thirty pounds and is doing a fantastic job. We move in next week and start our next chapter so I will be posting progress and plans!

 

Love to all and push forward.
Xo,
Cass

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