pain.

I have a hard time explaining to people that I will not get better. This is only going to get progressively worse, if anything, and I am in pain everyday. Most of the students I go to school with only worry about making it to Friday, so they can party on the weekend. They complain about having to study, while here I am not sure if I am going to make it through class because the pain is too bad. I write this from my couch, heat pad on high on my back, neck brace on with my Real Time Pain Relief MAXX ointment lathered on my neck and back praying that this pain will pass quickly. I am on methocarbamol, a muscle relaxer, and am trying my best to only take one tramadol a day. I have lidocaine patches that I wear 12 hours on (although they don’t ever stay on that long!), 12 hours off on my lower back. I take tylenol and advil daily in addition to these other medications to try to alleviate anything. The pain is the worse thing having to deal with, but I also have weekly allergic reactions. Last Wednesday I had a horrible reaction that left me wheezing, covered in red splotches, and horrible gastrointestinal discomfort. I try my best to push forward and to see the best, which I have so much to be thankful for, but sometimes it’s hard to stay focused. I also suffer with depression and anxiety. The brain’s way of processing pain is similar to depression, so it definitely can have an impact on my mental health. I have had to take a year off in total from college to deal with this and it’s something I’ll have to fight everyday for the rest of my life. I am so incredibly blessed to have a partner willing to stick it out with me and be not only my best friend and husband, but my caretaker too for days that I can’t get by or nights that I come home with tears.

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I want to create a safe place for people suffering, not only with chronic illnesses, but with mental health as well. We are in this together. Please feel free to comment if you need help or want to discuss your challenges.

Xo,

Cass

Emptiness 


I know they say bad things happen in sets of three, but I’m convinced it’s more like ten. I’ve been extremely disappointed time after time and I can’t help but feel that things won’t improve.

So to recap my extremely difficult past six months:

I have Chiari and the pain and symptoms are life altering and draining; it’s completely change my personality for the time being and I’m no longer able to do things I enjoy and be the fun and goofy person I am;

I lost my means of income and my boyfriend was fired back in June;

my sweet, beautiful grandma Dee was put in to hospice along with her husband, my grandpa George. My father’s mom has fought hard against peritoneal cancer for four and a half years and she is no longer winning. She has been so strong and has spoiled me with love from the day I was born. I am lucky to have her in my life and ti is so hard to see her in agony. Despite her ongoing battle she still is more worried about me! She’s such a beautiful soul and so sassy and determined, but I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I want what if best for her and if that is for her to become an angel and be reunited with my cousin, Austin, then I will have to accept it. I love my grandma so much and she has worked her butt off her entire life to make sure her loved ones had a good life. I’ve never met such a selfless person. Her husband, my step grandfather, George is also in hospice care. He suffered from a stroke about two years ago and is not able to care for himself. I’m relieved that my grandma has help for her and him both because she was his caretaker ever since;

My papa (mom’s dad) is also having problems with an infection on his elbow that spread to his bone. He will have to see an orthopedic surgeon to evaluate his wound;

I found out yesterday that I will be unable to graduate in August because my advisor screwed up and said that a class I needed would be available in Summer when it is not, also she claims that she thought we were planning for December all along. I had worked my butt off three years straight with no breaks to graduate this summer and although it’s only 4 months later it is defeating.

In addition to this I found out that my school may not be covered this time by the Hazlewood (military pays for schooling of veterans and their dependents) because I’m out of hours, meaning I will have to rely on scholarships or pay out of pocket.

In addition to these earlier in the year my boyfriend’s family had a tragedy and I was bullied out of my job of two years.

I spent two hours sobbing my eyes out to my boyfriend and questioning my will. I know that I am lucky to have the support system I do, but I question why bad luck is constantly around me.

-Cass