Relentless Pain.

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I haven’t been feeling well. Part of me struggles with trying to pretend things are okay and that I’m fine, but my back and neck pain are now becoming daily reminders again of the war raging inside my body. After my decompression surgery the back pain receded for a while, but it has come back with a vengeance, as I am going on the second week with continuous pain. On top of that, my knee was dislocated this past Saturday at work (two dogs playing rammed into it from the side). The normal individual with no past history of dislocations would have been just fine, but Cassandra. Odd, abnormal Cassandra. Her knee and ligaments remembered the past and dislocated. The knee is fine now. Practically back to normal, as I used to suffer from frequent kneecap and hip dislocations, I “bounce” back quicker, but now my hips are aching, too. I do think that Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a likely culprit. I’ve not been diagnosed with it, but I’ve have joint pains, unusual hyper-flexibility, and dislocations for several years. It’s one of those things. I can only be diagnosed with one thing at a time and it’s a long process. Why are diagnoses so important to us, anyways? Maybe it provides us a label for our pain? Perhaps it make our pain “more” real?  Will others accept that we actually do have a condition and are in pain because we are now labeled? I don’t know the answer. I think for me, personally, it’s just knowing there is a reason: it’s not just a medical mystery or the unwarranted “it’s-all-in-her-head” look.

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I went to see my primary doctor today to report my issues (again). I was prescribed some pain medication and advised to see my neurosurgeon again. I’ve been in bed most of the day with a headache and pains. Praying that tomorrow I’ll wake up refreshed for the day.

xo,

Cass

 

Treat Yourself

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Ladies, there is nothing wrong with spoiling yourselves every now and then. I had gone a long time without treating myself to anything other than an occasional frappuccino here and there and lately I’ve been feeling down in the dumps as my pain has becoming more frequent (today I actually had my kneecap dislocated at work!) and my hopes have become increasingly dim. I decided I needed a little pick me up, so I was on the search for a few wardrobe refreshers and a new look.

Asos is one of my favorite clothing brands, especially since they have a petite line! It’s difficult finding dresses and jeans that are the right length and fit when you are 5’2″ and have short little legs. I have learned the difficult way that I need to buy only petite pants and jeans if I want a proper fit.

After my mini shopping spree, I have two tops, two pairs of jeans (which I haven’t bought since 2014), two pairs of socks, a few hair accessories, a new cute and stylish hair cut and color, a little daypack, a pair of glasses (transitions to avoid harming my eyes!), nose rings, a pair of comfy pajamas, and a cute little solar pug! This has probably been my biggest treat to myself to date and I think it was well spent.

Tops:

I was looking for comfortable and minimalist tops that would go great with most casual outfits.

Jeans:

My last pair of black denim I owned was back in my freshman year of high school, so I definitely wanted to go ahead and purchase a pair to complete an all black modern look. After seeing Bethany’s perfect jeans, I made the decision to add to cart. I also wanted a cute pair of ripped jeans as they have been ever increasingly popular, but not a pair that was overly trashy looking with multiple huge weirdly placed rips.

Pajamas:

I love dogs. This is a well known fact to anybody who knows me, so these Balloon Dog printed pajamas were an absolute must!

Socks:

I have about five pair of pug socks from Asos now. They always have really cute pugs dressed in different themes! Yes please.

Hair Accessories:

As my hair is growing back in I wanted to first get a few hair accessories to try some cute quick up do’s and braids that pinterest makes look so easy. I also went to my favorite hairdresser in Waco, Rebecca at Strandz Salon to even out my awkward undercut growth and get a fresh dark color inspired by the photo above.

Accessories:

I really wanted a Kånken for awhile and I thought, why not? I use my daypack instead of carrying purse. Since I have a hard time remembering to bring things, I love taking this to ensure I have what I need. I also needed some new nose rings. My previous nose rings were  an extremely thing gauge and ended up always twisting and bending in odd locations without and hope of getting the kinks out! These two I bought from Midnight’s Mojo and they are extremely well made. I also am so stoked  on my new glasses. I had been wearing a pair of Derek Cardigan’s for the past few years and they had ended up loosening and getting scratched with wear and tear. I knew I wanted go ahead and try transitions because I have very sensitive blue eyes and wearing sunglasses was only possible with contact or the awkward shove on top of my glasses look, which is never a good thing. This pair is so stylish, well made, and the transitions actually look great with the frame. So happy I got an upgrade! Finally, I got a little Solar Pug for my pug collection because it was just something I had to get 🙂

Don’t be afraid to indulge every now and then!

Xo,

Cass and Mavis

Training with Mavis

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Week 2

This week my little Mavis will be 14 weeks and will have been living with us for 8 weeks! She’s been in training for 2 weeks using Training Your Own Service Dog by  Lelah Sullivan and AKA Shana Cohen. For those who don’t know, Mave is my service dog in training and she is doing incredibly well for her age. After we complete Sullivan’s and Cohen’s book, we will be using a training manual from Service Dog Express. Hopefully once both guides are finished, Mave will be in tip top shape. If not, I have local training organizations willing to help out with basic obedience training. Service Dog Express can also provide further training and instruction via webcam. SDE (located in San Antonio) can evaluate Mavis with a final walk through, after her training, to see if she is ready for the Public Access Test and become a Service Dog! I wanted to start a series of posts dedicated to my tiny terror’s (oh the wonderful puppy stages!) training progress. I’m hoping to help others in their journey to training a service dog of their own and how to go about getting started and what options they can choose.

Out and About working on Mav’s focus
At the Library. Exposing her to different places for commands.
Here’s Mav focusing for her reward.

First of all, I am not a liscensed trainer, but I consider myself a dog expert. I have lived with multiple dogs my entire life, worked in the veterinary field for about two years, and continue to work as a dog behavior analyst as a doggy daycare attendant (which is much more hands on then you’d think). Anyways, I know quite a bit about dog behavior and health which has set me up with the perfect platform to training my dog. I have looked into the alternatives of having a service dog pre-trained and ready, but the cons (for me personally) outweighed the pros. First of all the wait is up to a year or more to be matched with a service dog. Furthermore, the price of a trained service dog is anywhere from $1,200-2,000 and upwards. Another reason I didn’t choose this option is because you really have to be hands on when training a psychiatric service dog because they need to get you and your moods. Your ups, your downs, your triggers. This, in itself, takes persistence, time, and a close bond.

We started the intensive training on April 14th, 2016 and have learned Focus (keeping her eyes on me all the time), Touch (hoping that she’ll use this to alert), and are now working on Blanket (having her lie down on a blanket) commands. Technically it was recommended that the Service Dog Express manual begin at 6 months of age, but we are getting a jump start with Sullivan’s and Cohen’s training guide to prepare us.

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Locations We Have ‘Worked’ At:

Different locations will allow you to bring a service dog in training (SDiT) into their locations if you ask, but it is your liability should anything happen (potty accidents, etc.). On request if someone asked me to leave a location, I would gladly do so because it is their right, since Mave is not a service dog (yet). These locations I we visited had no problem with me bringing in Mavis, but I only worked on training commands in outer locations since she is so tiny and not completely potty trained yet. Documentation is important! So lots of photos, videos, and a log should be written down, in the case your service dog is questioned or legal action is brought against you.

As we perfect our commands and learn new ones, we hope you will follow our journey.

Xo,

Cass & Mavis

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Chronic Pain Confessions

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If you haven’t visited Amanda’s blog: Everything Hurts, you definitely should. Her latest post has to do with her confessions dealing with chronic pain. I decided to follow suit using her amazing crafted and perfect icons to lead the way.

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I have struggled most of my life with emotional pain, but I didn’t have to deal with constant physical pain until I began showing symptoms of Chiari. I try my absolute best to pretend I’m completely healthy and put together, but I am fighting every day. Today I had severe back pain. I was at work doing my best to make sure it wasn’t noticible that I was in pain. I kept counting down the hours until I got off. Every time I bent down (when working with dogs, that is very often) I felt a jolt down my back. When standing, I felt a constant almost “buzzing” pain that feels like when you sit on your foot too long and it falls asleep, but you continue trying to walk on it mixed with a Charlie horse cramp. I finally closed the playroom down and put all the dogs in their crates for nap time. I looked at the clock, so eager to head out, but I had an hour left. I was assigned to take the grooming dogs out to potty. Every time I made it outside, I leaned against the wall crouched down with deep breathing (like a pregnant lady in labor), while the pups did their business.

I hide my pain. I don’t like telling my parents because I’m afraid they’ll discredit it. They have supported me through everything, but they also think that this surgery is an instant cure all solution and I am afraid to disappoint them.

I’m tired of saying I don’t feel well or my neck is killing me and then having to hear the “maybe it’s the insert some common bug/virus” or “muscle strains suck.”

I’m tired of feeling depressed. I try my best to do the right thing for my mental health, but I get anxious about how others perceive me. Do they think I look fat? Do they think I’m dressed sloppily? Do I look happy?  I have a chemical imbalance and no medication I have taken has made things bearable for a continued period. Getting more exercise, eating gluten free, or trying said homeopathic solution isn’t going to work for me (that’s not to say it won’t work for others).

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I have a very physical job. I am constantly moving. I feel like it is enough for me, but I want to do more. I want to be that fit BBG girl that looks super cute and they love to work out (or make it look like that) and that it’s super easy. Or that cool yoga chick that has trendy workout gear they actually work out and not just to lounge in.

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I’ve had five surgeries since birth, but all my scars are hidden and people can’t see the pain I have had to endure. Every single day is different. Some days I miraculously don’t have any physical pain. Then there are days which I call “spoon days,” like today, where I wake up in pain. My back jolts, my neck aches, my muscles hurt, and no I didn’t exercise the day before. Most days are in between these two. I’m excited to have Mavis trained as a service dog, but am nervous about how people will perceive me. Will they think I am a sham trying to pass off a cute pooch as a service dog just so I can take her into places? (Hello anxiety, dear old demon).

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I always have used food as a coping mechanism, which is why I was so overweight (obese, actually) as a child and in my teens. It will most likely always be a love/hate relationship because now I have IBS (although not confirmed and I don’t think it is, I think it’s just MCAD) and MCAD to deal with, which makes foods scary for me. Foods that I have never had a reaction too, suddenly make my mast cells react for no reason. I can eat that same food and have nothing wrong the next time. I have “plumbing” issues and often get sick from eating different foods. Yet, I have my junk food weaknesses, like most people do. (SourPunch Straws and Sonic are my guilty pleasures) Why do I feel Diet Coke is a necessity (I cannot have high sugar amounts because I get deathly ill, no I don’t know why, but 30g of sugar is my limit, so Diet is the only soda I can have, yes I know the “real” soda might as well be better, but soda is bad regardless, and here I go again, thinking too much of what other people think about my habits)?

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This post wasn’t an easy one to write, but I’m glad I did. Working towards self love and a happy or manageable lifestyle.

If anybody who reads this has good tips on managing anxiety, let me know. I’m willing to try anything: like blogging for example, getting my thoughts out via the world wide web. Only a handful of people will most likely read this and I’m good with that.

xo,

Cass

(image and icons from Amanda Vinci, everythinghurts.me)

New Leaf.

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Turning over a new leaf is always a difficult task, but one that I have been faced with. After completing almost three months of school, I was devastated to realize I had to withdraw from my classes. Not only was I suffering with severe anxiety (that has gotten worse since my operation) and depression, but my memory is getting even worse. I am having problems recalling times, dates, and with my school work: even the most basic of terms, which has caused a great decline in my grades. After talking to my doctor, he determined I should withdraw because I was basically over doing it and could potentially threaten my recovery. I have now been out of school for a little over a week. While it is comforting, knowing that I don’t have to stress over assignments and tests, although I am still enrolled in my last Spanish class, I am disappointed that I couldn’t keep up with the semester and that I won’t be graduating this year. I have to take back control of my health, so a neuropathologist is in order to get my cognitive function tested. I’m not sure what results will show, but maybe going through some therapy (such as speech therapy, etc.) will aid me in recovering some of prior abilities. In addition to dealing with my “brain issues,” I have to test out several medications in order to help me with my a&d. I have tried so many different ones, that I’m becoming a bit exhausted and hopeless that I will ever find something that works.Screen Shot 2016-01-06 at 9.41.35 PMI have to report some ups amongst my many downs. First and foremost, I have a new addition in my life: Mavis. Mavis (pronounce Mahv-is, not Mae-vis) Odessa is my twelve-week-old Puglet, who is the light of my life. My parents and my boyfriend all went in to gift me my tiny biff for my 23rd birthday. From about the age of six-years-old, I have obsessed over the idea of having a pug. My parents were always against it, so it never became, until now. We first met her on February 6th and then picked her up on March 6th. I am currently training little Mav to be my service dog with the help of Lelah Sullivan’s book and hopefully Service Dog Express (whom I’ve contacted and will hear back within two weeks). She is so full of joy and energy and today she completed her first day of intensive training and did wonderfully. I took her in public and tested her ability to hold her attention on me. This being her first time, cars, birds, and little noises distracted her, but she soon got the hang of keeping focused on me with some great reinforcing clicker training. She’s my little companion and I can’t wait to see what a difference she will make in my life, once she is trained. Another little joyous moment came with a new job. I now work at a doggy daycare center and have enjoyed it thus far, but have decided it is too physical for me to sustain. I didn’t realize the full extent this operation would take on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I over did it. I can’t keep up with everybody else, which is hard for me to accept. My memory and my strength (physically and emotionally) has degraded. The frustration that comes with this is unbelievable. I know that I am not alone, but yet I feel it most days in terms of my mental/emotional/physical status. I can’t guess when I have flare days, yet I have to push through them with excruciating pain in my neck and back and brain fog that won’t shake, no matter how hard I focus on concentrating. My ability to stay focused has diminished and I am beyond irritated at myself, although I know it is out of my control, that I cannot control it. I have found some support through Chiari Life on facebook that has helped me feel more united, but I still am struggling.

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One last thing! I wanted to expand my blog into my other passions: as you might’ve noticed from my last post. I am trying to start loving myself more and more and appreciating the things that I am good at and enjoy. I love fashion, but I hardly have been able to be fashionable because of my condition. Most days I have felt exhausted and not up to dressing up, so now that things are getting better, I want to share my passion as well as my training updates with Mavis, and other bits and pieces of my odd little life. I hope that whoever follows my blog, will continue to, and whoever doesn’t will be drawn to a new diversity.

Much Love,

Cass & Mavis

follow Mav on instagram (@mavisodessa) for updates on growing up.

(images are created/taken by me. Please do not repost without permission)

People Hope

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People Hope is an amazing organization, founded by Anna King, that I have had the absolute pleasure of volunteering for. This organization, not only provides hope and light to those who suffer with chronic illnesses and their families, but it also brings us all together as a community with God’s love as we share our stories and moments.

“People Hope is a new nonprofit organization dedicated to being a place of authentic hope for those battling chronic illness, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed.  Our website will provide resources of hope and inspiration, creating a community of support that reflects the loving compassion of God, and encouraging people to define their darkest day as their finest hour.”

I first discovered People Hope after I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. I was having an extremely difficult time emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was so utterly defeated by my situation and slowly letting depression and anxiety overwhelm me. I didn’t have much clue about what was going on and I was so fatigued and in pain all day, everyday. If you don’t have a chronic illness, it’s pretty much equivalent to your worst flu day, except everyday, and you never know when you will have a flare up. You can’t make plans that are reliable because that could be your flare day. You try your best, but pain and desperation creep up each time. That’s my experience with how I felt in the beginning. Although, I have found some relief, I continue to have days where I am hopeless: pain, fatigue, and feelings of despair. People Hope has helped me through some of my worst days. I’ve been able to help others in their time of need and in turn, helped myself.

Please if you have the funds or even just want to share this post with your family, friends, and followers, please do. In order to launch this website and help more people, finances are needed and we cannot do this without your help.

Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

xoxo,

Cass

Life as of Now.

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As you can tell I went on a bit of a hiatus. Although I wish I could say it was because I was having such a wonderful time, that I forgot to journal about them, but sadly this is not the case. Since December, I’ve spent practically most days in bed; whether it’s playing call of duty or making eBay posts in attempt to make some money (3 months of unemployment can’t be good for anybody), I just haven’t been too well. I have my good days like today, but I have bad days. A lot of bad days, but I’m hoping it’s just apart of the healing process.

I had a wonderful Christmas close to home, but I had to battle being sick through the holidays. My boyfriend and I spent Christmas at our house because on Christmas Eve I went to the doctor’s office with non stop vomiting, stomach cramps, and diarrhea. The doctor assured me it wasn’t a virus and that I was suffering from withdrawals. Thing is, I’m still having these issues often, even now. Although, I nearly passed out at HEB while picking up my prescription to relax my stomach muscles, I made it through and had a wonderful time with Zach’s family and my mom. We were gifted some amazing gifts that really made me feel so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. We basically had four different ‘Christmases’ or family gatherings: Zach’s immediate family, Zach’s extended family, my mom, and my dad. We went down to Lake Livingston to visit my dad around the 27th. My best friend, Dianne, who my dad calls his “drinking buddy” joined us for a two day visit. It was completely bitterly freezing in Livingston and it messed with my joints and muscles severely. I’ve been using essential oils to try to alleviate some of this and warm baths, but it’s been bad.

Best Friends
Zach, me, and my dad

Another issue is my heart is acting up. I sincerely believe that I have POTS (post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and have had several tachycardia episodes which include hand tremors. It honestly feels like I have adrenaline just running through my body for no apparent reason. I visited the cardiologist, who ordered me to wear a Ziopatch for two weeks (haven’t yet received) to monitor my arrhythmias, just the new accessory need for back to school. Honestly, I’m praying that they will catch it and just diagnose me so I can get to treatment.

I had my one month check up with Dr. Parrish and I am healing so well. I starthritic-glovesill have vertical nystagmus and some memory issues, but I’ve been doing relatively well. My hands and feet however, have not beed doing good. The lack of sensation has definitely worsened in my limbs. I’m probably at 40% of what I should be feeling. I just bought some themoskin gloves today in hopes that it may help with the heat regulating problems. I asked Dr. Parrish about these problems and he says I may be noticing it more now that I’ve had my CSF returned to normal, but I’m still debating this.

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I’ve had ups and downs this year already. My doberman, Max, passed away on January 4th after battling kidney failure. He was almost thirteen and he’s been a wonderful companion. It was definitely hard. Losing a family pet that I’ve grown up with has just been heartbreaking. I feel as if I have lost a brother. I know that he is no longer suffering, but the ache. In good new, Juliana Nova, my second niece was born on January 15th, 2016. She’s so extremely tiny, it’s unreal. I am looking forward to getting to spend some more baby time with her.

Juliana Nova
Juliana and Aunt Cass

On January 14th, I got a memorial tattoo in honor of my grandmother’s birthday. She would have been 79 years old. She taught me to love sewing. She gifted me all of her sewing items and I will be picking up her Singer sewing machine that she has been using since my dad, uncle, and aunt were kids. I got a tattoo of a pincushion in the shape of heart to signify this love we shared together. The wonderful Clamore Wolfmeyer did and excellent job and I, for the first time after getting a tattoo, began tearing up because it meant so much to me; to add a piece of my grandma to my sleeve.

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Today marks exciting news as well, as I had an interview this afternoon for a new job! It’s at an optical surgery center and they are interested in training me to be a surgery technician. I am beyond stoked, although it’s in a separate path from veterinary work. I want to explore my options and put my biology background to good use. I have a follow up interview tomorrow and I cannot wait! My boyfriend also got an interview with a follow up and we will know news by this week.

I begin school this Friday in my last Spring semester (hopefully) at Texas Tech University for my Bachelor in Biology with a Chemistry minor. I am expected to graduate in 2016, December. I cannot wait and beyond thrilled. I have worked so hard to get where I am and am praying that this works for me. I love learning, so I am looking for guidance through this time.

Also, if you live nearby Texas, you should definitely try to stop at Joanna and Chip Gaines’s Market at Silos in Waco. My best friend and I enjoyed an amazing day shopping for rustic decor, eating Pei Wei, and shopping with my gift cards. I bought two galvanized letters, some faux (but amazingly realistic) florals and a fern and a totally awesome Waco shirt (I’m a native so it suits me [from the market]), a Columbia jacket (Belk’s gift card), Kick Ass, In Time, and Limitless (Best Buy gift card). My boyfriend and I also upgraded to a Xbox One for a GameStop trade of a PS4, Xbox 360, plus several games, and a controller or two. We got me and awesome controller that changes colors, Call of Duty and Destiny. It was a great day.

Joanna’s Signature Candles
My best friend and I at the Market
Magnolia Market at Silos
Galvanized Letters, Fern, and Oliver.

Much love and sorry for the quick post to wrap up the last month

xo,

Cass.

 

Decompressed.

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Waking up from Surgery
Officially a Zipperhead!
Fascia Lata graft used for my durapatch
The goods.
Allergic Reaction to Morphine

Three and a half days in the hospital, five IV pokes, and an arterial line: I had brain surgery and survived. We headed to Houston on Tuesday, December 8th to give us plenty of time to plan for the bumpy road ahead, staying the night with my Aunt Babette and my Uncle Daniel in Katy, about a 45 minute trip down the road. The day before surgery I could hardly eat. I was so nervous and had absolutely no appetite. I got a call around four pm and was told to be at the hospital bright and early at six in the morning. I knew this would be a hard time for all of us because it meant us leaving around 4 am the morning of and hardly no sleep the night before. I took an ambien the night before in order to drift off to sleep and before I knew it, it was 3:30 am, meaning I had to get up and shower with surgical scrub again and wake my mother up. Once we finally made it to the hospital, the staff made no hesitation in getting me changed into their specialized “Bair Paws” gowns that allows hot or cold air to flow through the gown to keep the patient at a desired temperature. Once I was all dressed and had socks on, the nurse asked if I had used the surgical scrub everywhere. I told her I had not, that I only used it on the back of my head and left thigh. Embarrassment pursued as they made me throw away my gown, change my linen, and rewash with their specialized hot rags. Eventually I got settled down into my new gown and was categorized as a fall risk, so I got new socks and a fancy yellow wrist band. The nurse went over all my information several times to make sure they got every single thing wrong with me: my cell mast activation disorder, tegaderm allergy, my four previous surgeries, etc. etc. etc. I had my IV put in and met with the anesthesiologist. She told me she would monitor me under anesthesia and make sure that all my vitals were fine. She informed me that another IV would be put in while I was under and that I would be given something to relax before they wheeled me back. Amazingly, I was not nervous. I was ready. I met with Doctor Parrish and the operating room nurse before they wheeled me off. I said goodbye to my mom, dad, Aunt Cindy, and boyfriend after they gave me the drugs and took me to the operating room. I arrived to the sacred cold sterile room and the anesthesiologist told me she was going to put me to sleep now. I told her “okay,” and on we proceeded.
I woke up four hours later in the Post Anesthesia Care Unit (PACU) with a smile on my face. I asked nurse Julia, who was awesome at what she does, if I was alive. She laughed and told me that was the first time she had ever heard that one. I couldn’t believe that I made it through and I was awake and feeling relatively great. My mom and my boyfriend were the first to see me with a smile on my face (top left circle) and I told them I loved them and that I was completely alright. Nurse Julia was wonderful and got me about nine different cups of water (thank goodness I had a catheter in) and ice chips as they had no beds in the intensive care unit opened. My dad and Aunt Cindy snuck back in the PACU to see me. My dad previously worked in PACU and as an OR nurse for many, many years, so it felt quite natural to invade any hospital’s “PERSONNEL ONLY” signs and see me, since the lady letting visitors in rudely told my mom that my dad and aunt could not see me. Nurse Julia was able to give me a lot of pain medicines because I began feeling it badly. The shearing pain of my incision in my neck. The cut-muscles, burning. The sting. My leg where my dura patch was taken from began hurting and I was wailing in pain, but content because she was so nice and helping me with my requests. I kept thanking her and telling her she was so nice and that I would leave feedback for her. I got her whole name because I wanted to tell the head people that she was so wonderful. It means so much when people are nice to you, especially when recovering from neurosurgery. I was in the PACU for several hours until a bed opened in ICU and off I went.

My first night there was rough, I started feeling the affects and my tears got the best of me. My throat was on fire and I was told I couldn’t drink any more water (after drinking about 15 cups) because it could mess up my sodium levels (my dad told me this was BS. He said I was young person, not some seventy-year-old). I was not allowed to have as many meds as I did in PACU because apparently that is the “trial” period where they determine which drugs work best for you. The night I arrived I had a young nurse named Brittany helping me and she was teaching a student. I had no idea what the student’s name was, all I knew is she was not well informed about any medications I was on and believe me, trying to explain to the nurse-in-training that you need your prescribed muscle relaxer, but she has no inclination to look in the record at what you’re taking or what you needed, is beyond frustrating. I told her I needed my muscle relaxer about ten times and she began shooting off anti-anxiety meds: klonipin? xanax? NO, I NEED MY MUSCLE RELAXER MY SURGON ORDERED, NOT AN ANTI-ANXIETY. A blank look. Ok, let me check. She said dilauded about fifty times in confusion as to what muscle relaxer I needed, again WRONG medication CLASS. She asked do you know what you took? I said “Don’t you have that in the chart?” I mean I hate to be rude, but really. I am in ICU, INTENSIVE CARE, and you are not knowledgeable enough to check the chart and see what my Doctor had prescribed or what pain medicines I received before in PACU that worked. I JUST HAD BRAIN SURGERY. I began crying and paging the front to please send in Brittany. I explained to Brittany what I needed and she took care of it right away. I was given morphine (which I had a mild reaction to top bottom right photo of burning and inflammation [they dosed me with benadryl and boom out like a light], but who cares, it was well worth it and I hid it from the neuroward staff every time, in fear they would say I couldn’t have anymore) and I fell asleep and was woken up around 2am for a CT scan. I was in and out the whole night so I don’t even recall waking up from the CT scan. I recall them taking me back to my room and telling me my scan looked good and that I just had air built up behind my incision. I drifted off to sleep and awoke to a new nurse, Kevin. Kevin was so awesome. I told him about the difficulties I had the night before and he got the nursing manager to take down my comments and concerns. Kevin took out my arterial line, catheter, extra I.V., and got me walking with the help of a wonderful physical therapist. He even hooked me up with delicious hot chocolate and told me I am one of the few patients who admit the like the hot cocoa. I loved it and drank probably four cups in the morning’s span!

After I was up and walking, they determined I was functioning properly and I was moved to the neuroward on the same floor, but down the hall. I spent two more nights in the regular hospital recovering. I could not get my pain management under control for quite awhile and was nauseated the first two days, vomiting my meals up, soon after consumption. My boyfriend stayed with me in the hospital every night, insuring I had the proper treatment throughout the night and to provide company, of course. He laid in the bed with me as we watched movies together, a.k.a he watched and I fell asleep about ten-twenty minutes later. My baby helped me through so much. Anytime I needed to go to the bathroom he was there helping me to the toilet. My mother also helped me enormously in the hospital and took me for outings to the lobby to see the Christmas tree and lights and the gift shop. I would either fall asleep or get nauseated and we would return about ten minutes later to my room. She ensured I had a meal three times a day, despite my lack of interest, and called the nurse when I needed pain medicine. She showered me and walked me around with my walker several times. My dad and Aunt Cindy only were there the first day in ICU and said goodbye once I made it to the main ward. I was happy that they both came out to make sure I was well taken care of and made it through my surgery. My dad later returned to drive me from the hospital.

After I left the hospital we stayed at a hotel for one day to make sure that I was  out of trouble. I had continued problems: several fits of vomiting and a hard time with pain management. I later found out that this surgery (brain surgery) is one of the most painful recoveries out of almost all surgeries. My mom brought me Starbucks Frappucinos, the un-caffeinated Vanilla Bean, to keep me happy and we even had Chinese food delivered to our room! My mom was so thoughtful to provide all these arrangements for my boyfriend and I.

I now have been home since last Sunday, almost a week, and my mother has taken care of me. Through my tears and pain she has been by my side. I gave my boyfriend some “time off” to catch up on sleep, but he visits me daily. I slept over at my house one night and my “ambien hallucinations” were too much for him to handle so I decided to stay with my mother until Monday. I am getting stronger a bit more each day and going longer without my pain medication and muscle relaxers, but it has been extremely hard. I luckily have not had an infection or any severe problems yet. I have noticed a few sensations that worried me, but I’m giving it time until I see Dr. Parrish in January. I had half of my staples removed yesterday thanks to my boyfriend (one had to be removed on Wednesday because it was literally pinching me and burning). I will have the rest removed (again by my boyfriend who learned via youtube and thanks to Dr. Parrish’s (have to go on vacation) staple remover kit) on this upcoming Wednesday, which will mark a full two weeks! The pain is still there, though, and I can’t believe it’s been less than two weeks. I have been using ice packs and heat pads on my neck and leg and have been relying heavily on my mother to help me. I am, however, feeling better. My pain in my back is finally relieved, my hands and feet have feeling to them, and my spirits are uplifted. I hope to be closer to God and that I can heal through this, work out my other disorders and be tested, and that I can become healthier and happier.

With much love,

Cass

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