This morning I woke up feeling physically drained, despite having slept eight hours, and my head feeling as it were in a fog. Both of my feet, legs, and arms ached with stiffness. My feet in particular were numb on the bottom and tingling around the edges. I tried to massage them to relieve the pain as an older arthritic person would. I flexed and relaxed my knees trying to “wake them up.” I attempted to walk across the room to draw a hot tub in hopes of regaining sensation in my feet and stop the tingling, but it felt like I couldn’t move them. I dragged my legs as best I could until I made it to the bathroom. I got a glass of water and food to see if maybe I was just dehydrated or hungry, but to no avail. I sat in the bathtub as my boyfriend began rubbing my neck and back jolting with electric-like pains. As much as I wanted to cry, I had no tears left as I’ve cried myself to sleep practically every night.

Over the past months I have been experiencing an array of symptoms that have left me downright puzzled and hopeless. I know something is wrong; my intuition tells me so. I have an upcoming appointment with a neurologist on the 21st of September, where hopefully I might gain some insight as to what is going on with my health.I have had chronic pain in my back, neck, and legs especially. In addition to the constant pain, I have had issues with my balance and muscle weakness. I fell last night (shocked by the loss of coordination) and have been jolted off balance daily. I know I am clumsy, but not to the point where every time I stand up, the room is spinning and I start to loose my coordination. I only felt improvement when I began to start moving; forcing myself to drag my feet around.

My most noticeable symptoms, to others at least, is my uncontrollable hand tremors. I have tried testing my blood sugar, thinking I just need to eat. I have gone without caffeine wondering if I just was sensitive. I cannot hold my hands still anymore and it’s beyond frustrating, especially when I am majoring in the field of Biology. I have to keep my hands as still as possible to collect samples through pipetters and sterilely transfer them or make a four quadrant bacterial isolation agar. I have had fellow student make comments that I look like I have Parkinson’s and mimic my motions, not intending to be hurtful, but it did as I have the sensitivity of a hormonal teenager going through puberty.

My cognition problem are even more frustrating as I am constantly saying the wrong word for what I’m thinking. This is not just an occasional slip up… I can’t put my thoughts together when answering and speaking, yet I can perfectly comprehend what others are saying and write/type with ease exactly what I am communicating. I have been having migraines and headaches behind my eyes and the back of my head. My words are beginning to slur together at times and I am putting excessive pauses between my phrases. My emotions have been completely out of control as well, worse than usual. I cry at the drop of the pen and am anxious and depressed most days.

I wanted to start blogging in attempts to jot down my worries, Perhaps my mind will become unclouded and I will be able sleep more soundly. Whatever is ahead for me, I want to document it: a record journal in order to process my pain.

I have theories as to what is going on, but I know that it is not good to worry, so I have put my faith in God that whatever happens, happens and it is out of my control.