Well it’s been awhile since I’ve put my thoughts out there for all to read. I find myself in this cycle of feeling overwhelmed by having too much to do and feeling frozen when it comes to actually starting. My last post was my MPFL repair that happened in May 2021. Nearly three years later, I’ve decided to return. So what’s new with me?
Well I am cured!! Just kidding guys, I wish I could say that. No… I will say the surgery was one of the better decisions I have made. I have not had one dislocation in that knee since the operation and am finally able to devote my free time to meeting my physical goals and surpassing them! I started back on my Peloton hardcore once I was cleared for exercise after my cesarean in February 2022.
Yep, you read that right. I had another baby boy, we named Knox Daniel. He is extraordinary. To make the story even more intriguing whether I like it or not, I found out I was pregnant right after my knee surgery was completed. I took a test in Father’s Day and those two pink lines popped up faster than you could imagine. It was the day after the 4th of July when I went in for my first scan. My husband had to stay in the car with our son (who was two at the time) due to pandemic restrictions.
A thirty-forty-five minute appointment turned into an hour and a half when my ultrasound showed something beyond shocking.
The technician was fairly quiet. She kept moving the probe around and pressing here and there. I was very newly pregnant estimated to be about 4-5 weeks. She typed in my estimated due date and then she got to number of fetus(es)…. She typed in 3. I thought this was a mistake. A typo? I nervously chucked and said there’s not more than one in there is there? She said I can’t confirm if they’re all viable because you’re too early, but there are three sacs.
What? I have to be mishearing you right now. I started crying and hyperventilating. My my husband is in the car!! I Can’t just simply text him it’s triplets… but it was. I waited and waited for the doctor to come in and meanwhile I was hysterical. Going from laughing to panicking to crying. How could this have happened? We have no twins that run in our families (at least that we know of). I was waiting for someone to jump out and say “look at the camera, you’ve been punked!! No Ashton to be seen, but three beautiful eggs in my womb. Caleb and I joked about the possibility of having multiples because of how fast I thought that I was showing.
Obviously when I left the clinic to where my husband was parked, I was shaking. Nervously filming his reaction. This video got us over 3 million views on TikTok and for good reason. My husband was speechless and his jaw understandably dropped to the floor at the news. We began thinking of our future. We were building a house a month before we planned to move from our tiny duplex we previously dwelled in for the last three years. I thought about the challenges we would face financially and myself physically being a chronic illness mama, but I couldn’t help being so elated. I’d been obsessed with multiples as a kid and here I was expecting triplets. Our original plan with our second baby was to wait until I was nearly 6 months along; something about holding a secret like this amongst just us was special. With the news that there’d be three, we had to alert the troops immediately. We FaceTimed my parents, the. Caleb’s parents, followed by his siblings. They all thought we were joking at first. How could I possibly have three humans growing in me?!
I prayed a lot. I prayed that my anxious heart could take this and that my beautiful babies continue to grow. I tried my best not to worry. I wanted to make sure my anxiety didn’t plague my entire pregnancy like it did with my first baby. I was mostly in shock. I was told it wasn’t likely that all three would survive, so I tried my best not to grow attached to the idea of having three.
The next visit was three weeks later.
The ultrasound technician booked extra time to accommodate the multiples and I went holding hands with my husband next to me this time. As she placed the gel on my body, I took a deep breath. “I only see two…” To say it didn’t sting, would be a lie, but I also felt a wave of bittersweet relief. Then guilt for feeling that way. I wanted all three babies, but I was terrified about my health, the future, finances. I took comfort in knowing that they would remain perfect in Heaven. This baby, originally baby A we lovingly named Theo. Somehow giving our little lost soul a name helped us heal and focus on our remaining loves. Their heartbeats were both strong and healthy. “After seeing their heartbeats, risk of miscarry is low,” we were told by our high-risk OB.
The next few weeks I began purchasing for our surviving triplets or twins as they now were called. Baby A (which is Baby B out of the triplets) had a beautiful egg shape and strong heartbeat and baby B (baby C out of the triplets) had a bit of more oblong egg shape, but alas their little heartbeat was steady. I saw a Slumberkins ad for a pink Ixi and immediately had to get one pink and one grey matching creatures for my two little joys. I was told my surviving twins were dizygotic meaning from two separate eggs although some twins at this stage can be monozygotic (they just split really early) and I had an intuition that one was a girl and one was a boy.
I was thirteen weeks when I had my next scan. The day before the appointment, I had a gut feeling that something was not right. I called the OB facility asking if there was anyway I could come in that day to move up my ultrasound. They assured me that everything would be okay if we waited (not like they could do much at that point in my pregnancy if it wasn’t…). The wait felt like an entirety. The next day arrived and I laid nervously on the exam table ready for my scan. My husband sat to the right of me holding my hand. All I remember is the technician saying something along the lines of only one baby was growing normally. I was in denial. I said the second one likes to hide. She assured me, no the second baby had passed. As the words started to sink in, I began sobbing. My heart breaking as I pleaded with the technician to keep searching. I still feel the ache when I see multiples in public, but Knox has some wonderful guardian angels watching over him. We decided to name the babies that passed to help us grieve- Theo and Ollie. My little peas (I use pea-pods to represent my triplet babes).
My health has had its ups and downs. I seem to have a rough flare up about every two to three years that knocks me down for a little while, but while I am knocked down, I am never knocked out (quoting my favorite Peloton instructor and mental health advocate- Kendall Toole). 2023 has been one of growth and reflection. From being at one of my lowest lows back in the heat of the summer to finishing it up feeling grateful for those who truly love and support me even more than ever before. Remembering that I am worthy of love, I do not deserve mistreatment, false accusations (that could be farther from the truth) and that I will live each day grateful to be here on this planet and spread kindness. I find strength in sharing my truth, my battle and if that offends anyone, I think it’s time to look in the mirror and get to the root of why it bothers you.
Signing off this entry, but will be back soon.
Xo,
sassynachos
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